Many who know me know that I have been wrestling with questions surrounding a possible call on my life to preach and teach the Word of God. As I look at my journal entries from years past it becomes obvious that I have been wrestling with this for many more years than I even realized. Back in 2006 the LORD gave me some clear direction regarding some of this and I marked and dated my Bible as a sign-post to remind me whenever I happened across those verses. Back then God was confirming in my heart that He wanted me to “stay the course”; to continue to teach and disciple folks in our local church. It was always the conviction and leading of God for both my wife and I that God was calling us to stay; but not to go. Just stay. Remain faithful. Teach and serve in whatever capacities He would lead. I could share the specific verses and what was going on in my heart then but this post will be too long for the average reader as it is. That will have to wait until another post.
Many of our friends in our church had expressed to me that they see in me the makings of a Man of God; a preacher. One dear older saint who has been somewhat of a grandmother figure to me said, “It is wonderful to watch you grow and progress in your ministries.” This said after I had finished preaching one evening while our pastor was away. It is a wonderfully supernatural thing to preach and sense that God is steering you. It’s different than simply public speaking; probably the closest thing I can relate it to, to those who have never preached, is the same sense that one has that God is steering your thoughts and conversation when you witness for Him. Now if you have never witnessed in the Spirit this does not help either. The ‘feeling’ is very similar but not exactly the same.
In a book I borrowed from my pastor’s study by Pastor Roy L. Branson Jr. entitled, “Dear Preacher, Please Quit!” (The title is deceiving because it’s designed to affirm preachers and help pulpit committees in the selection process.) I am so thankful for my pastor allowing me access to his library. I told him on several occasions that he can have his cars but that I really have a hard time not coveting his books. In this particular book, “Dear Preacher, Please Quit!” It lays out six marks of the man called of God. As I read through those six marks it became increasingly more obvious to me that all of them fit me. I really didn’t know what to think. I consulted a pastor friend of mine, and another deacon friend, and both of them told me I should let my preacher know. He would know what to do next and how to follow through in obedience to my call if indeed it was a call. I knew I had to let my pastor know.
While at work one day; I don’t remember the day. I remember that I skipped my lunch so that I could call him and talk to him about it. His counsel was very helpful. He shared details about his own call with me and then prayed with me for me. He told me to pay close attention to the Spirit in my heart and mind while I did my daily devotions and spent time in the Word. He told me that if I am called that God would confirm it and show me what to do next.
So I set out to seek intently the mind of God in this matter. In the past when I would set my mind on thinking about or pursuing “the call” it seemed that heaven was silent on the subject. When I would determine to just simply get to know God better and love Him more it was then the tug-of-war would ensue. I think this time of seeking was different because it seemed that God had initiated it and I was instructed by the preacher how to pursue this. My actions were an act of response and obedience rather than a self-involved pursuit.
On September 10th this fall, 2011 of course, after having fasted and earnestly wrestling over this I finally got something of an answer. This was the third morning of my intentional three-day fast and at 4 o’clock in the morning as is my practice I got up an hour before leaving for work to have coffee and get into my Bible. Since I was already “wrestling with God” I determined to read the account of Jacobs wrestling with God in Genesis 32. I read where The Angel of the Lord said “Let me go, for the day breaketh.” And Jacob responded with “I will not let thee go, except thou bless me.” I prayed, “I will not let thee go, except Thou bless me. I don’t want to be uncertain about this any longer.” As I flipped through the pages of Genesis I noticed in my Thompson Chain-Reference Bible in the notes the heading labeled “Jacob’s Ladder” and it occurred to me that I hadn’t really taken a lot of time over the years to really study that, so I began to read it.
I read in Genesis 28 starting in verse one; “And Isaac called Jacob, and blessed him, and charged him, and said unto him, Thou shalt not take a wife of the daughters of Canaan.” Then in verse two I was startled and stopped after the first two words, “Arise, go”. This was an account of Isaac sending Israel away to get a wife. It was not intended for me. But the words stuck fast in my heart and just sat there. I couldn’t shake them. I thought, “Perhaps God would tell us to go somewhere, to do something specific.” That would be inconceivable really though because we both were very active in multiple leadership roles. Recently my wife and I had been talking and praying about God using us in greater capacities in other places. Isaac said to Jacob, “And God Almighty bless thee, and make thee fruitful, and multiply thee, that thou mayest be a multitude of people;” I thought, “Oh God, that would be wonderful to hear you affirm something like that to me.”
I finished reading the story of Jacob’s dream and I had more time. So I decided on another search criteria. I remembered somewhere a king, or a prophet, or someone else of importance in men’s eyes died and the whole nation fasted, and prayed, and grieved for three days. I thought perhaps that would be as good a place to look as any other. I opened my concordance to search “a three day fast” and the search reminded me that Paul upon the occasion of his conversion fasted for three days. “That’s right! Paul?” And my study intentions were diverted into the ninth chapter of the Acts of the Apostles. (If you are a student of the word reading this then you know where this is going next.)
I read through the account of Saul’s salvation and call. The words jumped out at me. “Lord, what will You have me to do?” The answer? “Arise and go” My mind raced; this is now the second time that morning, the third morning of my wrestling with God over a possible call; it was the second time I read “Arise, Go.” The Spirit of God anchored those words into my mind so that when I read on and was reminded of Ananias being sent to meet Saul of Tarsus with the words, “Arise and Go.” I was dumbfounded. I have always told God that if He was going to call me He would have to make it clear because I am a little slow on the uptake. I still wasn’t convinced. Have I somehow subconsciously turned to these texts on purpose? I wasn’t sure.
I ran out of time to read and had to get my work clothes on, let the dog out, and gather my things for work. Downing the last few sips of coffee as I waited by the door for my ride I prayed, and thought, and prayed some more.
When we arrived at work I stayed in the car. I often do that so I can read some more before going into the plant. I reread the texts that my search led me to just an hour earlier. I meditated on what I had just experienced and wondered what it might mean or if it meant anything at all. After all the “Arise and go” commands in Acts 9 were specific to Paul and Ananias and were not intended for me. Nowhere did I read my name in the text.
Before too long it was time to go in so I slowly closed my Bible and climbed out of the car and walked with God into the dark, loud, busy place where bottles of water are born better. I was claiming the verse, as often I did, that if I “commit my works unto the Lord my thoughts would be established.”
I continued through my fast to work and pray and seek Gods mind in all of this. My mind was sensitive to the Spirit and I worshipped adoringly as I worked. When it came time to write the days date on my paperwork the date 9-10-11 jumped out at me and it seemed in my spirit that the Spirit of God was telling me something. I thought perhaps if I went back and read Acts nine again, continuing through chapters ten and eleven, that perhaps I would understand some things a little more clearly. So I determined that when I went to break I would do that.
When I opened my Bible at break the thought occurred to me to check Acts 9 verses 10 and 11 and as I began to read I couldn’t believe my eyes. It was the 3rd “Arise and Go” that I had just read earlier that morning. This is now the 4th time that morning I sensed the Spirit instructing me with the same words. I was convinced that God was telling me to do just that “Arise and Go” but go where? And when? Everything seemed still so unclear. The scriptures say that when God says something three times it means that it is settled in heaven; it cannot be changed. (I can’t find the reference for this – maybe one of you can help me?)
In the month that followed I wrestled intently with this. When I was alone with God I was convinced of the direction my family had to take and when I got around other believers and shared some of this with them I became unsure again. Sundays and Wednesdays became times of set back and doubt in this as the feedback I was getting from others seemed to contradict what I sensed the Spirit was doing in my heart and life. I was sharing my every decision with my wife who was faithfully trying to follow my lead. But because of my vacillating on this I left her often confused, frustrated, and twisting in the wind.
Finally the Spirit of God said to me as described in my story entitled “A Leg Out.” Read it if you wish. He said, “Carl, you need to make up your mind. There is too much at stake to keep bouncing back and forth.” By this time I had written two letters to surrender my ministries and membership at church. Neither of which actually made it to the pastor's desk. I was convinced God wanted me to do this but I was unsure of the details. It didn’t make sense. Faith defies reason. More often than not when God called a Man of God in scripture He asked them to go and didn’t give them a whole lot of instruction as to the details. My only explanation for this is that if the man is going to teach others to walk by faith he is going to have had to walk completely and only by faith. He will have to get out of his comfort zone. God told me that others would not understand. He said that they would disagree with ‘my’ decision. I wrestled with trying to find some plausible explanation that I could share with the church. Much of these ‘plausible explanations’ were the contents of my letters of resignation. Even my final letter of resignation didn’t spell this out, what I wrote in the letter, a private matter not to be shared here or anywhere, was I believe mostly somewhat the truth but it was not this. What you read here is the reason for our resignation. We don’t fully understand it. I don’t know where I will be three months from now but I know God will direct my steps. He has shown us so much and made some things so very clear to us since the day I finally determined to obey and to make this move. My only regret is that I failed to communicate this part of my ‘call’ with my pastor. Had I done that, no doubt he could have helped me with it.
Right or wrong I couldn’t ignore the persistent voice telling me it was time. If I am wrong about this I will bear the consequences alone. I don’t believe I am wrong. We didn’t want to leave our church family. I wept deeply the morning of “A Leg Out” while driving alone in the car listening to Steve Green’s song “I Will Go.” I wept very deeply. And wrestled with God even more; God won of course.
Remember God told Jonah to arise and go also. Twice even. It almost didn’t go very well for those his shipmates. They lost everything overboard. They were about to lose their lives. I cannot take a chance on disobedience and what it may mean for my church.
God showed me other things that September 10th morning. Things regarding what the future of our church held. Good things. Similar to what God told the pastor that “The glory of this latter house shall be greater than of the former, saith the LORD of hosts: and in this place will I give peace, saith the LORD of hosts.” (Micah 2:9) Also things regarding the possibility of us some day returning.
Time would not permit me here to share everything God showed me. But I want to end this post with a word of caution to those seeking a call. Remember that Peter did not step out of the boat except at Jesus’ bidding. Peter said “Lord, if it be thou, bid me come unto thee on the water.” Then, and only then did Jesus reply, “Come.” If you are determined to step out of the boat. You who are struggling with a call. You had better make sure it’s Jesus out there on the water and not a figment of your imagination. Don’t go just to get away from conflict if conflict exists. It may be the conflict God has designed to mature you and grow you up. He often does. And if you are sure it is Him. Keep your eyes on Jesus and not on the angry waves.
I am still not fully persuaded I am ‘called’. As I said, “I’m a little slow on the uptake.” And I definitely don’t want to be presumptuous. But I am positive God is leading me. To what end, I know not, We shall soon see.
No comments:
Post a Comment