"I was sinking deep in sin, far from the peaceful shore,
Very deeply stained within, Sinking to rise no more;"...
It was the first hymn chosen by Pastor Powell as the Worship Service began and I was feeling pretty good about Sunday School. It 'felt' right and, other than stumbling over a few Old English words ending in "-th", I think it went well. In fact not just a few folks complimented me on the lesson saying 'Thank you. That was good', and that 'the Lord speaks through you', and 'the Spirit is with you'.
I certainly hope so! I always pray that He would speak through ME and would be with ME in it. I wouldn't dare teach if it were not the case. But you know in MY lesson I dealt with God resisting the proud and giving grace to the humble, and how that Paul said, "when I would do good, evil is present with me", and as I received praise for 'a job well done' I became very self aware. Not so much becoming proud but feeling very self-conscious.
I was feeling good about Sunday School but I just wasn't feeling lifted in love. I was concerned about how I may be perceived by others in that moment. Whether if what I said in Sunday School and the perception others had of ME were consistent. I certainly desire to be true and not a hypocrite. As we sang, and I obsessed about this, I remember thinking that my obsessing didn't start just then. As I thought about the moments that passed between my closing in prayer and our first opening to hymn one-seventy-three, I became very convicted and keenly aware that I had been obsessing about 'self' from the very moment I received the first compliment. Perhaps even before that, as I thought about how smoothly God seemed to enable me to breeze through my outline.
"when I would do good, evil is present with me" and when we do good and put ourselves 'out there' the tendency to be ever so self-focused always exists.
I remember shaking hands before the service started and wondering if my hand shake was firm enough, and if I was making appropriate eye-contact as I shook.
I remembered sharing what I hoped to be kind words and then wondering if what I said was encouraging, and edifying, and demonstrated enough that I really cared.
I remembered feeling foolishly like every eye in the auditorium was on me as we mingled. The truth was that my eyes were really only on myself, and all I really was concerned about then was how I came across to others. It didn't matter how much I tried to work on being others-minded. I was still trying, in the power of the flesh, to be spiritual. I was trying to 'act' spiritual. Acting is the basic root of hypocrisy. It didn't matter how much I tried to work on being others-minded. I wasn't really.
I remembered as we sang the first stanza wondering if my enthusiasm in song was a blessing to those in front of us. And as the pastor looked in our direction if the appearance of joy on my face was a blessing to him. Oh, How I worked to 'make' it so. Of course, knowing Pastor Christner, he was probably just enjoying the song and enjoying looking around at the church as we sang.
As we sang the first stanza I remember looking around and seeing how happy everyone appeared, and I remember my thoughts: How miserable I felt. I was convicted of my self-absorbed focus just then. Humility is not thinking 'less of yourself', it is thinking of 'yourself less'. And although I was concerned about my contact with others it was still a concern for self. I repented in heart and had a meeting with the Lord in the troubled chambers of my mind as the church sang on.
"But the Master of the sea Heard my despairing cry,
From the waters lifted me, Now safe am I."...
I repented in heart, meeting with the Lord,
and you know what happened?
Love Lifted ME. He really did!
Jesus reached down,... the Master of the sea
heard my conflicted thoughts and from self He
lifted me and made me to see again how
much WE ALL are very much
the apple of His eye.
When the time came to pause between stanzas to shake hands, how different it was this time. It was a joy to see the smiles on each persons face. It was a blessing to greet and hear their greetings. It was so very uplifting to truly care about others rather than myself. Jesus was once again doing a work within me. And as we returned to sing the remaining parts of the hymn,...
Love Lifted ME!
Jesus, the personification of love, lifted me.
He really did!!
You know,... Each one of us has this same battle with self. I like to think that I am more self-less than self-focused but only God really knows. When we are deeply self-involved then He will certainly make it clear to us in His time. But each one of us has this same battle with self. Some of us are at times aware of it. And at times we are oblivious to it. But our degree of joy, either the abundance of it or lack of it, can be a sure indicator as to where we are in the struggle against the flesh.
This is my story. It's not easy for me to be this transparent about my personal thoughts. Specially since some of our church folks could possibly eventually read this. And since many of our local friends are likely to read this. But if my battle with self, and the things the Lord teaches me in it, can be a help and blessing to others than I will continue to share, and to bare my soul. I want no hint of hypocrisy. I want transparency and sincerity. I want to sail ever so close to the Master of the sea.
I want others to be my focus just like they are His focus. I want Him to increase in my heart, thoughts, and life as I decrease in the estimation my own importance except, and in only that, I am important to Him.
He must increase, and WE must decrease!
"All my heart to Him I give, Ever to Him I'll cling,
In His blessed Presence live, Ever His praises sing."
"Love so mighty and so true Merits my soul's best song;
Faithful, loving service, too, To Him belongs."
He must increase,
and WE must decrease!
Love Lifted Me!
And Love will lift you too!
Very deeply stained within, Sinking to rise no more;"...
It was the first hymn chosen by Pastor Powell as the Worship Service began and I was feeling pretty good about Sunday School. It 'felt' right and, other than stumbling over a few Old English words ending in "-th", I think it went well. In fact not just a few folks complimented me on the lesson saying 'Thank you. That was good', and that 'the Lord speaks through you', and 'the Spirit is with you'.
I certainly hope so! I always pray that He would speak through ME and would be with ME in it. I wouldn't dare teach if it were not the case. But you know in MY lesson I dealt with God resisting the proud and giving grace to the humble, and how that Paul said, "when I would do good, evil is present with me", and as I received praise for 'a job well done' I became very self aware. Not so much becoming proud but feeling very self-conscious.
I was feeling good about Sunday School but I just wasn't feeling lifted in love. I was concerned about how I may be perceived by others in that moment. Whether if what I said in Sunday School and the perception others had of ME were consistent. I certainly desire to be true and not a hypocrite. As we sang, and I obsessed about this, I remember thinking that my obsessing didn't start just then. As I thought about the moments that passed between my closing in prayer and our first opening to hymn one-seventy-three, I became very convicted and keenly aware that I had been obsessing about 'self' from the very moment I received the first compliment. Perhaps even before that, as I thought about how smoothly God seemed to enable me to breeze through my outline.
"when I would do good, evil is present with me" and when we do good and put ourselves 'out there' the tendency to be ever so self-focused always exists.
I remember shaking hands before the service started and wondering if my hand shake was firm enough, and if I was making appropriate eye-contact as I shook.
I remembered sharing what I hoped to be kind words and then wondering if what I said was encouraging, and edifying, and demonstrated enough that I really cared.
I remembered feeling foolishly like every eye in the auditorium was on me as we mingled. The truth was that my eyes were really only on myself, and all I really was concerned about then was how I came across to others. It didn't matter how much I tried to work on being others-minded. I was still trying, in the power of the flesh, to be spiritual. I was trying to 'act' spiritual. Acting is the basic root of hypocrisy. It didn't matter how much I tried to work on being others-minded. I wasn't really.
I remembered as we sang the first stanza wondering if my enthusiasm in song was a blessing to those in front of us. And as the pastor looked in our direction if the appearance of joy on my face was a blessing to him. Oh, How I worked to 'make' it so. Of course, knowing Pastor Christner, he was probably just enjoying the song and enjoying looking around at the church as we sang.
As we sang the first stanza I remember looking around and seeing how happy everyone appeared, and I remember my thoughts: How miserable I felt. I was convicted of my self-absorbed focus just then. Humility is not thinking 'less of yourself', it is thinking of 'yourself less'. And although I was concerned about my contact with others it was still a concern for self. I repented in heart and had a meeting with the Lord in the troubled chambers of my mind as the church sang on.
"But the Master of the sea Heard my despairing cry,
From the waters lifted me, Now safe am I."...
I repented in heart, meeting with the Lord,
and you know what happened?
Love Lifted ME. He really did!
Jesus reached down,... the Master of the sea
heard my conflicted thoughts and from self He
lifted me and made me to see again how
much WE ALL are very much
the apple of His eye.
When the time came to pause between stanzas to shake hands, how different it was this time. It was a joy to see the smiles on each persons face. It was a blessing to greet and hear their greetings. It was so very uplifting to truly care about others rather than myself. Jesus was once again doing a work within me. And as we returned to sing the remaining parts of the hymn,...
Love Lifted ME!
Jesus, the personification of love, lifted me.
He really did!!
You know,... Each one of us has this same battle with self. I like to think that I am more self-less than self-focused but only God really knows. When we are deeply self-involved then He will certainly make it clear to us in His time. But each one of us has this same battle with self. Some of us are at times aware of it. And at times we are oblivious to it. But our degree of joy, either the abundance of it or lack of it, can be a sure indicator as to where we are in the struggle against the flesh.
This is my story. It's not easy for me to be this transparent about my personal thoughts. Specially since some of our church folks could possibly eventually read this. And since many of our local friends are likely to read this. But if my battle with self, and the things the Lord teaches me in it, can be a help and blessing to others than I will continue to share, and to bare my soul. I want no hint of hypocrisy. I want transparency and sincerity. I want to sail ever so close to the Master of the sea.
I want others to be my focus just like they are His focus. I want Him to increase in my heart, thoughts, and life as I decrease in the estimation my own importance except, and in only that, I am important to Him.
He must increase, and WE must decrease!
"All my heart to Him I give, Ever to Him I'll cling,
In His blessed Presence live, Ever His praises sing."
"Love so mighty and so true Merits my soul's best song;
Faithful, loving service, too, To Him belongs."
He must increase,
and WE must decrease!
Love Lifted Me!
And Love will lift you too!
I find my pride gets in the way when I use the gift He gave me....to sing his praises. I always was looking for approval of how well I had performed. I later made myself face the fact that I had this gift because of Him and my pride only tarnished the joy I had in using his gift. I began to pray before I would go in front of the congregation, "Lord, please let the music be used for your glory and not mine." I still struggle with pride....I think we all do and always will till we see him in glory. I don't know where this stems from, but it is said that pride cometh before the fall. I have recently stopped singing and I have lost my joy in it. It is my desire to try again and continue to pray, "Please let this be for your glory, not mine." and hope that I do not fall again.
ReplyDeleteIts true what Paul said, "when I would do good, evil is present with me" (Romans 7:21). But if God has given you a gift and He intends that you use then He will provide avenues in order for you to use it. The real question is do I Romans 7:22, "delight in the law of God after the inward man:". The battle with self should bring us to a place where we cry out in some way or fashion as Paul did, "O wretched man that I am!" (Romans 7:24) and then with the realization that Romans 8:1, "There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit." to bellow out a cry of relief, "I thank God through Jesus Christ our Lord."
ReplyDeleteWe then who are saved with the mind serve the law of God; but with the flesh the law of sin. And this will continue to be the case until we see Him face to face and realize a change has taken place in us. We gain victory over the flesh daily as God works a breaking in us. Perhaps your deep desire to sing, and not having the opportunity to sing, along with the thoughts you expressed in your comment is the very process of breaking taking place.
God wishes to bless us in humility but often He must first resist the pride in us bringing it into subjection so that He can bless us as we seek only to be a blessing to others.